Sweet Exchange

The sweet exchange between myself and my savior.........

Worry for Peace
Doubt for Trust
Self-sufficiency for Rest
Confusion for Clarity
Poverty for Wealth
Weight for Lightness of heart
Depression for Joy
Oppression for Freedom
Harshness for Gentleness
Nobodyness for Somebodyness

The list goes on and on and on and on.............

Stuck on Honesty

How do our filters of honesty work? And how very badly do we need God to fix our decrepit, depraved idea of the truth, that we dish out day in day out. 
I think in blogosphere you don't have to say this is my opinion over and over since the obviously the person writing is expressing their opinion.  But just in case I want to make it clear I am a speaking of my own warped honesty screen!!! That being said in general I consider myself not too bad of a citizen. 
Recently it hit me as I returned a bunch of emails  (trying to clear the very full inbox)  I answered the question "How are you" so vastly differently. I understand that friendships and relationships are at their own unique stages, but wow it is amazing the "creative latitude" the English language can allow us to express ourselves with.   The passive/aggressiveness, it wasn't really a lie, it just wasn't the whole truth. 
Were our parents right growing up?  "If you can't say something nice don't say any thing at all"  Or do we bravely face the not nice and speak the truth in love, like the bible say to.  It's the in love (not in anger, frustration, weariness) part that challenges me. Tact I really believe is a gift, I trend towards blunt and not so compassionate, or I don't say anything until I blurt out the wrong thing at the wrong time with the wrong attitude.
What's the action plan???? To be discerning what part you are playing in God's story of your life and the life others and do your best to not screw up!  With Jesus in your heart making it a go the filters are crystal clear.
What if you screw up? Your turn from the way you are going and go the other way.  Messes happen, when you have family and friends and co-workers life will be messy.  You can always re-calibrate ( a bunch of my friends have been using that word, I can't take credit) the idea that we can re-focus and lock in to a missed target is amazing, I am all for the second chances.  Grace is real.

Honesty

I just got done re-reading a cheesy romance novel I had read a few years back, in it the young women is on a plane and reveals all her secrets to a stranger because she thinks they are going to die of turbulence.  Come to find out it was the owner of the company she works for.  I have been thinking about honesty and secrets. What would happen if my secret thoughts, you know the ones you don't tell your husband or best friend got out there.  On the flip side of things how honest are we all being with what we do say? And then there is the God factor he knows all our thoughts, sometimes I will myself to stop thinking things because I know the creator of the universe is tuned in and knows the train my thoughts are on. Sweet Jesus thanks for grace, that you love us in spite of us not being perfect you love us in the mess our thoughts can create. 
Whispering a prayer today,  God help me to be truthful with myself and others because you are truthful with me. (sounds like a proper prayer)
There is another voice in my thoughts that of Jack Nicholson shouting "YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH" Well maybe I can't. But just maybe I can? Maybe it can all merge and become cohesive and good? (so shut up Jack)

Smack of reality

Do you ever have those days, weeks, months, maybe even a year or two where you are just in a funk.  Try as you may seeing things on the bright side is just not happening??? It seems like that has been my mantra in 2011.  I am fighting it, but it is just there this ever present wet blanket. Like a perpetually rainy day.  Again I am not embracing or endorsing depression but it has been around this year like a pest that will not die.  (like bedbugs)
 My new tactic in the fight is to communicate one good story to at least one person a day. And to not retell the bad over and over and over. Overall this good story thing is working, I am seeing things from others perspectives, seeing the good in little things good, good, good.  You are getting the picture. I am giving "airtime" to good and  the 3am nobodies listening spot to the negative.
Yesterday having coffee with this sweet lady from church, my 7 and 8 yr old girls were running amuck and interrupting and I was getting annoyed, she kept saying what great girls they are and it's just kids being kids (which it was) and finally she said ," You are so blessed my family is all dead....." Well that stopped my fussing. Is this Pam's idea of a good story?  She went onto explain in 2 years she lost her brother, mother, father and grandmother. She is single no children, essentially all alone.  In that moment I really stopped and tryed to remember the last time I was truly (not just in theory )thankful) for my family.  Could not remember. I am thankful for my gang.  Seeing my girls grow and mature is truly (not just in theory) a blessing.  The good story is my girls and they are super cute and smart and funny and love Jesus and have rocked my world
The theme of November is Thanksgiving, I don't want it to just be for November.
Praying for 2012 excited to shed the wet blanket.

Birthday Wishes

The other day at work I was called upon to leave my post as a stylist and go and be a party host for 13 precious 5 year olds as 3 of them celebrated their birthday's together. I was so in awe of the order that they put themselves in and how they handled their community.  So precious to see each other complimenting on their polished nails, and their princess hair dooz.  Watching them be concerned when one wasn't having fun, and watching in awe as they "shopped" the prize wall, to get the best and most popular thing.  Girls being girlfriends in it's purest form.  At the end when they were blowing out their candles, one girl turned to the other and said, " What did you wish for, I wished we will be friends forever." In that moment I paused and the thought came to me that the good in this world really is in the simple things, best friends and cupcakes!!!

Dee's Surgery

Today I am writing from Harborview Hospital.  My husband, my generally healthy husband just came out of surgery to have his gall bladder removed.  It is kinda surreal sitting here, even though it was a relatively minor surgery, when it's my husband, my happy, my negroman (that's his bowling name), my partner in life, its not minor to me.  Sitting here waiting, and waiting, a realization came to me that I am not in control of Dee.  God created him, all of him. Period. So my thinking that there are parts of Dee under my jurisdiction to change because I'm his wife, is just an old wives tale. An old old wife who is probably really frustrated and confused at why her husband after all these years is not changing. I have a new strategy, go to the creator and request a heart transformation.  Not for Dee, a heart transformation for me.  Just going out on a limb but I'm thinking if my heart leans towards what Jesus wants for me and what he is showing me to do then as he has done since every minute of Dee's life he will show him what to do, change or be.  God is the creator of life and I am trusting for there to be life in every area of mine and Dee's life.
Thankful that Dee is healed.  Praying that the incisions from the laproscopic surgery, and the muscles around it heal quickly and we can move on to the next phase.  What ever that looks like.
I love you Mr. Smith. period.

Halloween

Family traditions, the stuff memories are made of.  Wondering what my children are going to remember of the family traditions in our home??? Halloween, not generally my favorite holiday, is such a fun holiday for kids, why do I sabotage it with my irritation? I just don't get the point.  Continually I feel that I am not doing enough, not investing enough in this thing called traditions.  So I guess one could say traditionally I suck at making the sweet stuff happen for the kiddos under my roof. Ruby was a pirate and Esther was a fairy, they got loads of candy it was a win, not a convincing we are going to see this team in the playoffs win but we won.
Overall I know they know they are loved, that their dad and I work hard to provide for them.  But the extra stuff that's where I question my ability to provide....... What's a super mommy to do????
I could......
#A Just be good with the way it's rolled for the last 16 years
#B Obsess about what is not me, but is every other mommy who has their Martha Stewart/ Family Circle/ Country living card?
#C Start today little by little to plan for small changes, that potentially can yield big impact. Yep that's what I am going to be on the lookout for small things I can do to make the overall "Traditions" big picture look a little brighter at the Smith house!! With Thanksgiving and Christmas on it's way quick, if you could help a God-Chick out and share some traditions it would be so appreciated.

I am so thankful that God is into the details of my life and he cares about my mother heart.

Hope Renewed

My thought in writing this blog is that it will be a place to be recklessly authentic, that is to say another way brutally transparent.  In living my life this way, I have come to find that filters on my mouth and thoughts are necessary,but I gotta get it out!!!!!! Filters are not the friend of transparency. Only the Holy Spirit can be trusted to filter in the utmost purest form here on earth.  It is not my intention to not be honoring to people in my life.  Alas that could happen if I am really being honest.
Take this week for instance, I spent a lot of time just plain old mad at my husband.. I have the best husband who happens to work part-time.  I am so over being the major money maker in the family. Which is why anger seemed like such a reasonable way to go, anger and blaming and being rude.  It all seemed to make sense.  Really though my money comes from God.  Provision for my girls and my home comes from the Lord.  I can't change circumstances.  But I can and do and will continue to Pray.  When I go to my dad in heaven, he hears me and in James 1 it says he doesn't get mad at me for asking!!! So guess what I am just going to be a big fat asker!!!  I could have been so much better at honoring my husband through the storm.

Just when I was having this amazing pity party about my husband, I got word from Uganda that a dear friend lost her husband to a car accident.  Life is so precious. Bishop John-Micheal was married to my Pastor friend Evah, I wonder how that day went, do you think they woke up together thinking this may be the last day we have together? Did they say a final goodbye? Probably not.  I am going to really live each day like it's my last, kinda a lofty ideal but not willing to live with regrets. 

Mr. Smith I love you.

Mostly I am mad.  Mad at the devil for taking out Bishop John- Micheal prematurely. Mad at the ignorant poverty that keeps sticking its sticky paws on our resources. Mad that I spent time being mad at my man.

I promise this blog will be interesting and boring. 
Everything and Nothing

Today it was everything

Today was a Wednesday, supposed to be a day off work. Did seem to go that way "off " I mean.  Not in the restful sense more in the wow I am off.  God is so faithful to draw us back to center and to balance the weights that tip us to far one way or another.  The whole money thing is so getting on my nerves.  Really to do anything you have to have money and a ongoing stream of it.  Prayer for today, wisdom with the money thing.