There are so much unusual to me thoughts swirling in my brain.
Cray cray thoughts that are grounded in my truths.
What the f*** is truth anyway.
What can we really see anyway?
Love is a mirage thirsty wanderers long for.
I have fought so hard for so long for something that I thought was grounded .... and true...... turns out that what folks say about fighting for your rights it is true. Most of the time your gut don't lie.
No one fights like you fight for yourself. Stand up and fight. Fight smarter. Get your ducks in a row. Cry on the inside like a winner. All of it necessary and true.
Also, want to know what else is true? My mom was right, so redemptively completely right about there being givers and takers in this world.
What am I? What are you? Why could we not get that straight?
I am so over crying over being sorry for asking for love. For asking to be treated humanely. For wanting to have my value acknowledged. To not be the taker when it feeds your unhealthy giving. To not be the giver when you are so content to take.
To be honest, if you don't want to give and/or take what is mine with and exchange with dignity then f*** you.
What am I sorry for?
What am I telling the world by apologizing for everything?
Questions are so free to swirl with the cyclone of thoughts. I wish that the solutions would come as fast and furious as the committee in control of my brain spits out the questions.
Yeah, this is a mess of mess of a mess with a side of mess.
Here is where the Christian platitude hope is supposed to be inserted and to be quite honest I don't have it.
I need the real, authentic kick ass hope that is found in the power of blood. Feeling like this week where the pain of skin getting ripped, flesh mangled for my sin, for my pain is really only the way redemption could be accomplished. Here is the power in the blood of Jesus. Straight to the source from the source. I have a mafia boss who was out for blood to reclaim the parts of my heart that are covered in the mess.
Jesus, I need you, forever in a chasm with depths unknown sort of way, more than I thought possible way, I need you. You are absolute truth and absolute hope that does not fail. You are the one who deserves my sorry.
Never can I repay you.
Grace and Mercy I am sorry we haven't been close lately.
Fast or slow life is going to happen. Big time or tent city you have to do this thing called life. Sharing my steps,missteps,joys and tears is my goal. For you to bust out of ruts, think differently. My story is being written every day by grace and so is yours. Thank you for reading be blessed.
