Authentic Progress

Progress: a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage

That is the word of the day Progress.  It really sucks when you feel stuck. There are so many methods to help us get unstuck.  Books, blogs, Youtube videos, apps on devices, hourly tweets by our favorite motivational gurus.  On and on the list goes with all the info invading my brain you would think that I would see some crazy progressing results.  I would be in shape, weigh less, in control of my emotions, have a published book, lots of money and children who don't ever bicker and disagree.

Interesting the times that I have seen the most progress is after I have lived some of the most ridiculously hard to imagine surviving it times.  During these times we who are believers pray like the Bible encourages us to, without ceasing.  Crazy hard  like the infamous bed bug invasion, or the almost getting evicted thing, or the kid just did the unthinkable years.   I can remember not too many years, ago the bravery it took to answer the "do you need anything" question with honesty, I can remember crying (not uncommon even now) after ladies bible study and answering I just want to buy fresh fruit for my family, and my friend without hesitation gave me 20 bucks.  Was I looking for a hand out NO not at all!  I am who I am now, generous, because I have been taught generosity from my friends and family.  Fast forward to yesterday I'm standing at Winco  I got all teary because I was able to buy groceries for the whole week, for the 3rd week in a row.   Over and  over I am grateful to be out of a storm not just because it bites to be in the drama but for the lessons learned in the test.  End result progress.  

Progress and I have had a love/hate relationship for years. I have been entranced by the idea that progressing away from where I am brings more success, more peace, more results that measure my worth.  Truth is worth comes from God and every day I have a choice to go forward or go backward.  Understanding that "working" it out from the position of rest, absence of worry, is something possible by God's gift of faith.  I have been saying for the last couple weeks that "I want to rest well so that the rest will be well."  Living relaxed and not edgy about my progress I rest in the process and not beat myself up because of the results I am better, my family is better.  Interesting this concept of "doing less" can create more positive  results.  Living with intention, is a powerful stance, be  you.  

That's pretty much it......  

"Be brave. Be strong.  Don't give up.  Expect God to get here soon." Psalm 31:24 msg

Yep that's it........

YOGA

Tonight I went to Yoga.  After a couple of years of being fairly active I have let it all slide, sliding food on to my plate and sliding out of strength training.  Recently I revisited "gentle yoga" it has been a humbling thing to see really where my body is at, before I sorta in my mind mocked it because what good does it do, how many calories are getting burned, where's the sweat, and my most favorite criticism only "granola" types do yoga.  Positioned on the lavender mat doing "gentle" positions my body and I were having a conversation, mostly consisting of me telling it to buck up, me questioning its ability to take me where I need to be me being critical of me.  Then something shocking happened, I started to cry. Anyone who knows me knows the crying isn't the shocking part, it was just that at that moment I was so frustrated with my lack of coordination and my excessive shape that just kept making it hard, then the teacher said "Just let it go" whatever expectations you have for your body right now let it go.  Concentrate on breathing.

Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go. 

The things you hold onto that are not necessary take up space and create excessive shape in your brain.  They fill you mind and heart with worry. 

Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.

Criticisms of yourself and others take up space, crowding and pushing, creating excessive shape.

Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.

".... I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open spacious life.  We didn't fence you in.  The smallness you feel comes from within you.  Your lives aren't small, but your living them in a small way.  I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection.  Open up your lives.  Live openly and expansively."
1Cor 6:11-13 MSG

Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.

Concentrate on breathing through it all, God has got you.

MARRIAGE ITS NOT ABOUT ME

Any of you who have the idea that marriage is all rainbows and unicorns do not have a firm grasp on reality.  What people tell you is true that being married will be the most selfless thing aside from having kids that you will do in your life.  I am not writing this to bash my husband or to get all blah about relationships.  My goal is to confess that I am a selfish person, that continually needs Jesus to help me get my eyes off me.

My amazing husband is doing a new ministry  job that is essentially his dream job, and while I am happy for him I am looking at IT (the ministry job) through the eyes of envy, I am wishing I had that assignment.  How many of us do that ? I can't be the only one who looks at other people's assignments and wish I got to do that.  I have always thought that envy was a terrible character flaw that stops my the person who has it's growth.  It actually can do so much more damage,  it is a joy stealer.  Who wants to be that wife who takes the wind out the sails of her husbands success?? Not me.  The irony of it is that a lot of times for me it is something agreed, endorsed and come to fruition because of prayer, so why are we shocked when it happens?    If we passed the test to have faith to stand for a miracle for our spouse why why when it happens do I get negative   It's about focus, it gets the focus off of God who deserves the glory and it gets disunity fueled in the marriage.  

Don't be a joy stealer, celebrate the success of your man, ultimately his success is your success too.   Don't get all feminist on me and scream what is she saying she is putting herself on hold for him...... not a chance.  God has us all on a journey willingly or kicking and screaming we are living proof that humanity is a work in progress, in constant need of grace.

I am convinced that if I can get out of the way long enough God is going flip the switch and light up my future with success that I have been dreaming and praying for.  So so excited for what  is happening.  This season of  rest for me is a foundational, if I can rest well the rest will be well.  

Transition

Transition- "a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another" noun,  "to make a transition" verb.

Life for this girl is one of perpetual transition  for those stuck in mundane or monotonous day to day life, I kinda envy you.  I feel like if any one thing in my life gets more than 3 months of my attention it is permanent........  

Current list of stable things, Husband had him for 11 years, kids had them for 17 years, job had that for 3 years, apt for 3 years.  Jesus has been with me every moment of my life, he knows my yesterdays, today and tomorrows, and he still is passionately for me.

In transition is our church community and schedule because of Dee's new internship with the Christian Non-Profit Urban Impact.  We have been praying and asking God for this position and now that he has it I want to be on the team by not getting tripped up about a lack of schedule and getting involved in a new church group.  When you are giving birth to something the transition time is the hardest, its also the time right before something is birthed completely    

During this process I have been feeling so guided and comforted by God to trust him all the way.  To not doubt that God is up to something, that God has a big plan for Dee and I in the area of ministry.  It's who we are, people who give and serve and I want to be one who makes her daddy proud.  

There are moments when I feel not so confident in my abilities, thank you Jesus it is not it not me who makes me able.  It's Jesus.  Moments where I think to myself why me Lord? Why  did you choose me to do this, to be here at this moment in history?  I can only conclude I got what someone else needs, my obedience to selflessly serve someone else will bring freedom.  

Who around you is not free?  Who has got some debt, some frustration, some lack that you because of your great faith in Jesus you can cleanse with some salt and shine some light on.  Freedom isn't free.  There are days when I wonder if I have what it takes to pay that price, truth be told none of us do, but God daddy does.

Loving my life right now, wouldn't trade my position of reliance, vulnerability, and grace that that the Lord has me coming to Him for all matters regarding my sanity, plans and dreams.  

New Season

Ok so yeah it has been almost a year since I wrote a new blog...... I wish I could say it is because of some great reason, honest truth is I wimped out.  The name of my blog is Recklessly Authentic these past months I have felt anything but reckless or authentic.  My inclination is to protect myself protect my heart and lie.  Not big whopper lies, just little ones like everything is fine, Oh life is great or here's a good one it's no big deal.
God has been doing some open heart surgery on my marriage and instead of fixing my husband which is what I have been telling God is the issue for years, he is fixing me.  And it hurts and it sucks and its embarrassing that my life isn't perfect like I think it should be.  Big new flash it's not about me!!!!!! This process is not about me and my ideal life, its about the plan and purpose God has for me, my man, and my family.  And most importantly the people that God is going use us to bring change to.  My struggles are not for me to learn lessons and get victory although that will happen.  It's for the person I run into that has the same look of shell-shockness that their life is  turned upside down that I can bring hope because God brought me through and he will for this person too.


Two years in a row I went to Uganda for a "mission trip" what happened was a  life shift.  Mr. Smith with grace and strength let me go, he started blogging as a way to express what it was to be on the other side of the world without me.  Today Mr. Smith is launching out and beginning a new chapter not around the world, but around the corner on the other side of Rainier Ave. It's one thing to bring the gospel of Jesus to people on another continent that you may not ever see again, but it takes a certain bravery to bring the gospel of Jesus to your neighborhood, people you will see at the grocery store, the library and at your kids school.  So proud this morning of my husband, the man who leads our family, provides and makes my life and so many others shine.

I don't know it might be another year till I blog again who knows but today I am grateful, content and resting in all the good and abundance God has given our gang.