Looking back over my blog posts I have realized as mess and pain have unfolded like salty waves on a gritty sandy beach I have become a shell housing a heart. Layer on layer I try to protect my heart. Fat, food, poverty, service, hearsay and truth all fighting for the real me.
You want the truth? I am so concerned with protecting all in my life from the torrential rain of feelings that would fall if I were to actually be "Recklessly Authentic." The damage my opinions unchecked by grace could do that I say the politically correct version of every dumb thing that comes along. Fear I declare you don't hold me but you have slipped in. Over your slimy self too.
A more realistic name for my blog should be "Recklessly Wimpy." Seriously how many times do we hide our real opinions so that the peace is kept. My entire life I have been trying to keep the damn peace and I am over it. Sometimes people just need to face the dirt in their lives and do what it takes to love like God asks, to be faithful to his call, to rest, to give, to live. Do the hard work so you and those around you can experience not just a not terrible existence here on earth, but life and life more abundantly.
Abundance is such a relative thing but what if we gave abundant honesty a try, abundant compassion, abundant unconditional generosity.
Going into the 2015 Holiday Season you may not recognize me, hell I don't know what God is up to but I do know that he said he is faithful to finish the work he started in me. By his grace and mercy I will be able to live up to all the things I think others should be doing. Lord help my judging heart to see mercy in brokenness.
Father you are the only one who can say to the ocean waves, '"Peace be still." Over this life of mine hush the waves.
Fast or slow life is going to happen. Big time or tent city you have to do this thing called life. Sharing my steps,missteps,joys and tears is my goal. For you to bust out of ruts, think differently. My story is being written every day by grace and so is yours. Thank you for reading be blessed.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Response to "The first Day" Written by My family of Women
I saw you walking alone, alone yes but with purpose. For some God reason there was a boldness in my heart to call you. Reaching out into the unknown was actually a part of my job description at the time, but now it's kinda a lifestyle...... This day was different, guided, intentional. You see a couple of weekends before at a church event something in my heart was sparked in way that had never experienced. A brief conversation about nothing and everything, left me wanting. Praying for daddy for my girls, daring to pray for a husband. So I called......"Sure come over." The door opened to myself, Moriah and Ephesia's future. Standing at the threshold of that door, one minute alone desired by no man, to raise my beautiful daughters, the next sitting on the couch watching football with my best everything. Played out in front of me was a man of action with the kindest eyes, the desire to attend to needs (wants), an all around aura of happy that was almost scandalous I mean who does that, no game face, no attitude only acceptance, only embrace of destiny. Ok that was a little cheesy but looking back it's true, there are some moments that define your life for me even as I was in the present living those precious moments. God was etching it on my brain. Not going to lie I didn't want to leave to go home that evening. The chemistry was undeniable. The feeling of I belong here was unshakable.
That day there were 2 other people standing at the door who have over the years caused many a series of unfortunate events for Dee and I. Insecurity and abandonment. Being guided by the Holy Spirit overruled them that day, silenced their paralyzing words. With the bravery of a warrior and the softness of a women full of promise that the Lord knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper not to harm, plans to give me a hope and future, the God fought and won those negative voices I cannot fathom how my life would be had he not.
I knew this was my husband from the very beginning.
Mr. Smith has given me so much, all the little moments about everything and nothing have taught me grace and mercy, lived out joy and laughter, experienced peace and challenge. Life intentional not forced.
That day there were 2 other people standing at the door who have over the years caused many a series of unfortunate events for Dee and I. Insecurity and abandonment. Being guided by the Holy Spirit overruled them that day, silenced their paralyzing words. With the bravery of a warrior and the softness of a women full of promise that the Lord knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper not to harm, plans to give me a hope and future, the God fought and won those negative voices I cannot fathom how my life would be had he not.
I knew this was my husband from the very beginning.
Mr. Smith has given me so much, all the little moments about everything and nothing have taught me grace and mercy, lived out joy and laughter, experienced peace and challenge. Life intentional not forced.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
That awkward moment when......
You see some one live and in person who you are "friends" with on facebook and they look you dead in the eye and don't recognize you. Uh yeah that's awkward. Really weird to be honest. I wish I could say I said something witty, or bad ass or sarcastic but no I just chickened out and said nothing. Yep NOTHING! Which is weird because I always have something to say.
Lately the words have been getting tangled in my mind before they can be let out my mouth. The filter system has gotten clogged up with lack of confidence and failure to execute favor. It's been an issue since I was a child, it's gotten better over the years, mostly because as I get older I just don't take everything so stinking serious. It is just not that big of a deal. And I choose to believe that I am beloved by God and honestly I want others to feel it too.
Today why why why did I over think this FB friend thing, I guess because somedays I spend a crazy amount of glances at what my "friends" are doing on FB, perhaps that time could be spent actually talking in person live to a real friend. Or being intentional about being present when you are with people, recently a family I just adore, put a bowl in the entry way of their home on Thanksgiving with instructions to turn off all cell devices, this was going to be an "old school" time of conversation and family time. What I love was that the people who were in the house were the people making the memory and no one else was living it real time online with them.
Technology has its advantages but it only works if you have a real relationship, in real life. In real life you are have to be authentic, you have to make mistakes and forgive, be happy in successes and compassionate in losses. Be willing to get in the mess and help in the clean-up.
Awkward moments happen oh well.......
Lately the words have been getting tangled in my mind before they can be let out my mouth. The filter system has gotten clogged up with lack of confidence and failure to execute favor. It's been an issue since I was a child, it's gotten better over the years, mostly because as I get older I just don't take everything so stinking serious. It is just not that big of a deal. And I choose to believe that I am beloved by God and honestly I want others to feel it too.
Today why why why did I over think this FB friend thing, I guess because somedays I spend a crazy amount of glances at what my "friends" are doing on FB, perhaps that time could be spent actually talking in person live to a real friend. Or being intentional about being present when you are with people, recently a family I just adore, put a bowl in the entry way of their home on Thanksgiving with instructions to turn off all cell devices, this was going to be an "old school" time of conversation and family time. What I love was that the people who were in the house were the people making the memory and no one else was living it real time online with them.
Technology has its advantages but it only works if you have a real relationship, in real life. In real life you are have to be authentic, you have to make mistakes and forgive, be happy in successes and compassionate in losses. Be willing to get in the mess and help in the clean-up.
Awkward moments happen oh well.......
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Not Crazy
It's an adventure being a mom to teenagers. They want to be grow but they want to be taken care of also . When it feels like its a no win situation I am so glad I have a compass in the word of God to show me the truth. You can't get much bigger than the creator of the universe to ground you and remind you that the stability of your sanity is intact, and you are so doing an amazing job at parenting.
Seeing my girls go through struggle and tension of growing up I wish I could take the hard stuff away, I wish I could do it for them. Standing my ground and not being run over by the Mack truck of attitude is a challenge for me, time is too short to live with regret of missed opportunity and cowardliness in discipline. Someday I want to be their friend, right now I'm mom, I will always be mom but adding friend will be fun. The struggle is worth it when I see them succeed, they are so far ahead of where I was at their age.
Proud mom moment when your teenager texts you an apology for a stinky attitude, with in minutes not days!!!
Wouldn't trade this mom gig for anything in the world.
Seeing my girls go through struggle and tension of growing up I wish I could take the hard stuff away, I wish I could do it for them. Standing my ground and not being run over by the Mack truck of attitude is a challenge for me, time is too short to live with regret of missed opportunity and cowardliness in discipline. Someday I want to be their friend, right now I'm mom, I will always be mom but adding friend will be fun. The struggle is worth it when I see them succeed, they are so far ahead of where I was at their age.
Proud mom moment when your teenager texts you an apology for a stinky attitude, with in minutes not days!!!
Wouldn't trade this mom gig for anything in the world.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Grace Glue
Grace to stay married, everyone needs it.
It may seem like a given, but its not, your mate has sin.
Sin like your sin, sin that hurts like your sin hurts them, hurts God.
Grace from the blood of Jesus is glue, glue to hold it together FOREVER.
Divorce rips your heart flesh into shreds.
God has an endless supply of grace glue to fix it.
I don't know why this is so on my heart to write today, I guess because sometimes I can get so wrapped up in what someone else did to me that I forget to check my heart, my motives, my concern. In the area of marriage it can be easy to let things slide DON'T DO IT! Be engaged in your mate, if you were telling God the truth on your wedding day that from this day forward you are committed, be committed.
I have been on the darkside, of crappy married times and even divorce. The grass isn't greener, invest and water where you are, what God has joined together let no man, even yourself put asunder. Or stating another way put us under.
Today I am in so love with Mr.Smith can't wait for him to get home from work. Cheesy love from an honest place is the best.
Rambling from the heart.......
It may seem like a given, but its not, your mate has sin.
Sin like your sin, sin that hurts like your sin hurts them, hurts God.
Grace from the blood of Jesus is glue, glue to hold it together FOREVER.
Divorce rips your heart flesh into shreds.
God has an endless supply of grace glue to fix it.
I don't know why this is so on my heart to write today, I guess because sometimes I can get so wrapped up in what someone else did to me that I forget to check my heart, my motives, my concern. In the area of marriage it can be easy to let things slide DON'T DO IT! Be engaged in your mate, if you were telling God the truth on your wedding day that from this day forward you are committed, be committed.
I have been on the darkside, of crappy married times and even divorce. The grass isn't greener, invest and water where you are, what God has joined together let no man, even yourself put asunder. Or stating another way put us under.
Today I am in so love with Mr.Smith can't wait for him to get home from work. Cheesy love from an honest place is the best.
Rambling from the heart.......
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Authentic Progress
Progress: a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage
That is the word of the day Progress. It really sucks when you feel stuck. There are so many methods to help us get unstuck. Books, blogs, Youtube videos, apps on devices, hourly tweets by our favorite motivational gurus. On and on the list goes with all the info invading my brain you would think that I would see some crazy progressing results. I would be in shape, weigh less, in control of my emotions, have a published book, lots of money and children who don't ever bicker and disagree.
Interesting the times that I have seen the most progress is after I have lived some of the most ridiculously hard to imagine surviving it times. During these times we who are believers pray like the Bible encourages us to, without ceasing. Crazy hard like the infamous bed bug invasion, or the almost getting evicted thing, or the kid just did the unthinkable years. I can remember not too many years, ago the bravery it took to answer the "do you need anything" question with honesty, I can remember crying (not uncommon even now) after ladies bible study and answering I just want to buy fresh fruit for my family, and my friend without hesitation gave me 20 bucks. Was I looking for a hand out NO not at all! I am who I am now, generous, because I have been taught generosity from my friends and family. Fast forward to yesterday I'm standing at Winco I got all teary because I was able to buy groceries for the whole week, for the 3rd week in a row. Over and over I am grateful to be out of a storm not just because it bites to be in the drama but for the lessons learned in the test. End result progress.
Progress and I have had a love/hate relationship for years. I have been entranced by the idea that progressing away from where I am brings more success, more peace, more results that measure my worth. Truth is worth comes from God and every day I have a choice to go forward or go backward. Understanding that "working" it out from the position of rest, absence of worry, is something possible by God's gift of faith. I have been saying for the last couple weeks that "I want to rest well so that the rest will be well." Living relaxed and not edgy about my progress I rest in the process and not beat myself up because of the results I am better, my family is better. Interesting this concept of "doing less" can create more positive results. Living with intention, is a powerful stance, be you.
That's pretty much it......
"Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon." Psalm 31:24 msg
Yep that's it........
That is the word of the day Progress. It really sucks when you feel stuck. There are so many methods to help us get unstuck. Books, blogs, Youtube videos, apps on devices, hourly tweets by our favorite motivational gurus. On and on the list goes with all the info invading my brain you would think that I would see some crazy progressing results. I would be in shape, weigh less, in control of my emotions, have a published book, lots of money and children who don't ever bicker and disagree.
Interesting the times that I have seen the most progress is after I have lived some of the most ridiculously hard to imagine surviving it times. During these times we who are believers pray like the Bible encourages us to, without ceasing. Crazy hard like the infamous bed bug invasion, or the almost getting evicted thing, or the kid just did the unthinkable years. I can remember not too many years, ago the bravery it took to answer the "do you need anything" question with honesty, I can remember crying (not uncommon even now) after ladies bible study and answering I just want to buy fresh fruit for my family, and my friend without hesitation gave me 20 bucks. Was I looking for a hand out NO not at all! I am who I am now, generous, because I have been taught generosity from my friends and family. Fast forward to yesterday I'm standing at Winco I got all teary because I was able to buy groceries for the whole week, for the 3rd week in a row. Over and over I am grateful to be out of a storm not just because it bites to be in the drama but for the lessons learned in the test. End result progress.
Progress and I have had a love/hate relationship for years. I have been entranced by the idea that progressing away from where I am brings more success, more peace, more results that measure my worth. Truth is worth comes from God and every day I have a choice to go forward or go backward. Understanding that "working" it out from the position of rest, absence of worry, is something possible by God's gift of faith. I have been saying for the last couple weeks that "I want to rest well so that the rest will be well." Living relaxed and not edgy about my progress I rest in the process and not beat myself up because of the results I am better, my family is better. Interesting this concept of "doing less" can create more positive results. Living with intention, is a powerful stance, be you.
That's pretty much it......
"Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon." Psalm 31:24 msg
Yep that's it........
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
YOGA
Tonight I went to Yoga. After a couple of years of being fairly active I have let it all slide, sliding food on to my plate and sliding out of strength training. Recently I revisited "gentle yoga" it has been a humbling thing to see really where my body is at, before I sorta in my mind mocked it because what good does it do, how many calories are getting burned, where's the sweat, and my most favorite criticism only "granola" types do yoga. Positioned on the lavender mat doing "gentle" positions my body and I were having a conversation, mostly consisting of me telling it to buck up, me questioning its ability to take me where I need to be me being critical of me. Then something shocking happened, I started to cry. Anyone who knows me knows the crying isn't the shocking part, it was just that at that moment I was so frustrated with my lack of coordination and my excessive shape that just kept making it hard, then the teacher said "Just let it go" whatever expectations you have for your body right now let it go. Concentrate on breathing.
Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.
The things you hold onto that are not necessary take up space and create excessive shape in your brain. They fill you mind and heart with worry.
Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.
Criticisms of yourself and others take up space, crowding and pushing, creating excessive shape.
Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.
".... I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but your living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively."
1Cor 6:11-13 MSG
Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.
Concentrate on breathing through it all, God has got you.
Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.
The things you hold onto that are not necessary take up space and create excessive shape in your brain. They fill you mind and heart with worry.
Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.
Criticisms of yourself and others take up space, crowding and pushing, creating excessive shape.
Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.
".... I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but your living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively."
1Cor 6:11-13 MSG
Inhale deep
Exhale sigh and let it go.
Concentrate on breathing through it all, God has got you.
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